it's insane how much marriage teaches you sometimes. before bed i was venting about some things to brad such as, stress, diabetes, being tired, people, and for some reason i started thinking about how brad never stresses about anything. i entirely switched the conversation/venting towards him not understanding how i feel because he never vents about his problems. poor guy. he didn't have a clue what to say. i went on about how different our personalities are and he just sat there listening. trying to understand this weirdo in front of him, i'm sure wondering how such polar opposites came together.
our conversation drifted off, and it was silent as we were laying there next to each other in bed with the lights out. then about 10 minutes later he said, "no one has ever come to me with their problems before, i'm still trying to learn and figure out what to do and say." my heart broke, then i cried some more because i felt so dang bad for making him think for even a second that my problems are his fault. why do i have to be so crotchity sometimes?
we said our "sorrie's" and our "love you's" then he drifted off to dream. i sat there thinking of this person i've become. i always used to think i was laid back. i used to think nothing really made me upset. i never really used to get upset. i used to think i was never going to be "one of those wives" that did this and that. now all i can think about is.... it's just life. everyone goes through everything. no matter how different the situations are, we all seem to come out feeling the same. it's also funny how before married life i would never in a million years be able to sit and write about these things. but for some odd reason i don't care. maybe because i know that every single person reading this has been through it. maybe not. who cares i guess. it's late.
anyways, sometimes it's better to not think i'm this "certain person" or want to be this "certain person". i'm almost starting to think it's better to not expect anything spectacular out of myself or think i'm a certain type at all. maybe just hope that with each situation i'm in, i'm able to handle it with an open mind and hopefully some sort of selflessness and love. it's bizarre that we spend our whole lives trying to figure out who we really are. i remember an old lady came into the clinic awhile ago and was explaining to me that after her 4th marriage she still didn't know what she wanted or who she was. she had to have been in her 70's. i can understand where she's coming from. i don't think i'll ever hit a point in my life when i'm fully confident with the person i am. but hopefully i can live a life where i know i'm at least genuinely happy with what's taken place in my life. and somewhat content with the choices i've made.
tonight we went to our good friends' brian mcclemet and his cute fiance, marci's wedding dinner. even though i know they will have their arguments, i'm sure they'll have their late nights, and i'm pretty positive they'll have their good share of misunderstandings...i'm still so excited for them to begin their marriage. it's such a wonderful thing. and they'll have some of their best times in their lives starting at this point. i can't wait for them to begin their marriage, and be able to share everything with one another. the good, the bad and the wonderful.
just some late night thoughts...take em or leave em.
8 comments:
Aw...I loved this post Mel, seriously. Your posts never disappoint me. It was a good one, and you look so pretty in that picture
Wow, Meliss I'm pretty sure you were reading my mind last night! Perfect thing for me to read right now, glad to know I'm not the only one!
I guess that is one reason why we get married, so we can spend time trying to figure out the other person. It brings you closer in the end, and you are a completely normal woman, with a great hubby who listens (he may not get all those woman things, but he listens...right?) Hope you were able to sleep a little last night!
Oh man, I totally know what you mean! Definitely. I did the same thing the other night and whined to Adam about not knowing how hard it is to swing between diabetic highs and lows all day everyday and he totally didn't get it. No support whatsoever. Seriously, if you ever want to whine to me...DO IT!!!
Meliss...seriously such a great post, honest ones ALWAYS are! You are the best....when we got married someone said to me, "Expect nothing and you will never be disappointed." I always thought that meant with just Shon, but now as we have been married for longer, I realize that it means for me too, and my kids and our life and everything in between...not that I always go with that or remember it, but when I do, life seems to go a lot smoother....ok, maybe this didnt even make sense OR go along with what you were feeling, but when I read what you wrote it totally made me think of that, maybe I just needed the reminder!
You are awesome! I am so glad it's not just me that's dead tired all the time...well, I'm not glad, I wish neither of us had to be tired all the time, but yeah. I feel ya! Thanks for your sweet comment, I knew you'd understand that nasty late night low feeling - no fun. Seriously, I told Adam that I was exhausted all the time and he said something stupid and I thought, "I'd sure like to see HIM go from a 300 to a 58 within a few hours and see how it made HIM feel!" I'm a snot. But seriously, this diabetes crap sucks! I keep thinking that this is what I got dealt, and I'm so lucky that it's treatable, but still. It sucks. So many days I just wish I could eat without thinking and have my old energy back so I could keep up with my son. Anyway...hang in there, it's good to know that if you can do it, I can do it too! I like your attitude about not having all the expectations and just being happy every day, no matter what. Thanks for your thoughts, your amazing Melissa!!!
did you ever know marcie is my favorite person ever ever. she is so dang beautiful. i love her. anyway.
i love you. because i think you are perfect. so when you show that you stress it makes me think i'm normal. :)
I'm late to this post, Melissa, but I want to give you the thumbs up. You explained this in such a nice way. I've been feeling a little of this myself lately. I'm realizing that I'm always going to have those new experiences that will cause me to change as a person, but I just need to remember that I'm the one who gets to decide what kind of person I'm going to be.
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